Sick

Today I slept at 12.30am but I woke up at 5.30am. I rushed to my handphone when I woke up. Somehow, it makes me very worried that something bad is happening, but I can’t make it out what is happening. It seems like a very blur picture to me but it tells me that VYwas in trouble. She was shouting for help… It fills me with fear and worry…I have never experience such fear and worry before..…I think my mind is playing trick on me, i woke up sweating all over even though I slept with the fan full blast… Every night, since she told me there was no more “us” I have been having all these bad dreams. It has been a nightmare day after day, night after night. The fear in me is overwhelming, the fear of her getting hurt…I don’t want to see her hurt… It will hurt me even more to see her hurt. So I want to keep myself composed…. I have been suppressing this urge to call her. The very thought that she will be hurt by even a simple call from me is simply too scary to think about… The last thing I want is to hurt her. Although it will pacify me for a few moments by calling Victoria, but seriously don’t want to, the hurt will be too much for her to bear.

I’m like Dr Jeckyl and Miss Hyde, one moments, I want to call her so much but I’m fighting myself not to do it internally… I wish the very best for her… and even it means I am hurt very much inside… I want to fight it. Lian Tiong, she needs her own space. Do something which will make her happier. Don’t do anything stupid which will jeopardise her future. I want her to grow comfortable with herself. It’s a very important factor in her life and I want to give her that.

I do wonder, is she sleeping, is she happy, is she sad (I really hope this is not the case!) On Monday, I went to temple, to pray for her. It’s the very least I can do for her. I want to support her in every other way possible…Hope to get some good rest tonight, Haven’t slept well for 3 to 4 weeks already.