Dad

Now, I'm going to rush off back to melaka. I want to see my dad today. I want him to be happy to see his son. I want to spend time with him. I appreciate my dad more and more. It seems funny that sometimes, you will need all these bad things to well, make you closer.

A new low

Today is an even worse day, my sis broke the news to me that my dad is going for enderscopy or something... My sis told me that the Dr was suspecting it might be a cancer of the stomach. This enderscopy will put a pipe through my dad’s anal and try to check his stomach. I really hope and pray.... with all my might that the check will reveal some minor problems. The trials and tribulation of going through all this pain inside is killing me, I'm so worried about these right now:

1. My dad's health


2. VYWork

This list seems to grow and grow....

I'm going back to Melaka this weekend, I really want to spend time with my dad. I don't want to go out with my friends. I want to spend it with my dad. I want to make sure he's happy. I want to go to the temple to pray. I really want to.

I was told that my dad needs to eat something to clear the stomach at 3am on Monday and then check into the hospital at 10am. My god, my dad will be on drips. I’m angry! Angry! Worried! Everything!! Can’t they do it some other way?? My dad will have to purge whatever in his stomach overnight. I can imagine how weak is my dad going to be.

My dad, he is a proud person as he is in the medicine line. When he’s sick he would not admit it. I know him, but he’s telling me that he’s old and he is sick when I call home. He even told that to my aunt!! I am hurt. I am really worried.

Sorry world, I’m feeling sad, hurt, angry, desperate and frustration all in one.

Why? Why? Why? is the question which is going through my brains. Hope that tomorrow will at least bring me some good news.

Sick

Today I slept at 12.30am but I woke up at 5.30am. I rushed to my handphone when I woke up. Somehow, it makes me very worried that something bad is happening, but I can’t make it out what is happening. It seems like a very blur picture to me but it tells me that VYwas in trouble. She was shouting for help… It fills me with fear and worry…I have never experience such fear and worry before..…I think my mind is playing trick on me, i woke up sweating all over even though I slept with the fan full blast… Every night, since she told me there was no more “us” I have been having all these bad dreams. It has been a nightmare day after day, night after night. The fear in me is overwhelming, the fear of her getting hurt…I don’t want to see her hurt… It will hurt me even more to see her hurt. So I want to keep myself composed…. I have been suppressing this urge to call her. The very thought that she will be hurt by even a simple call from me is simply too scary to think about… The last thing I want is to hurt her. Although it will pacify me for a few moments by calling Victoria, but seriously don’t want to, the hurt will be too much for her to bear.

I’m like Dr Jeckyl and Miss Hyde, one moments, I want to call her so much but I’m fighting myself not to do it internally… I wish the very best for her… and even it means I am hurt very much inside… I want to fight it. Lian Tiong, she needs her own space. Do something which will make her happier. Don’t do anything stupid which will jeopardise her future. I want her to grow comfortable with herself. It’s a very important factor in her life and I want to give her that.

I do wonder, is she sleeping, is she happy, is she sad (I really hope this is not the case!) On Monday, I went to temple, to pray for her. It’s the very least I can do for her. I want to support her in every other way possible…Hope to get some good rest tonight, Haven’t slept well for 3 to 4 weeks already.

VY

I must confess, I love this girl by the name of VY. What I know is that I have cheated on her, and she feels that there is no turning back. I feel lousy, frustarted. I feel useless with myself. No matter how much I try, I have lost her. The hurt is killing me. The days seems to be very short, a daily sleep of 4-5 hours is killing me surely and slowly. My mind is always spinning around. My work is getting from bad to worse. And I promise not to call her. This is taking every single drop of energy from me, not to call her! Any advice world?